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The Toxic Trap of Codependency
At the last NAMI on Campus WNE meeting, the topic that members chose to talk about was codependency. Codependency is tricky because it's not a diagnosable mental illness. It used to be a term used for partners of people suffering from addiction, but now it refers to an obsessive person. People who are codependent readily sacrifice their own needs to please others.
Codependency is different from dependency. Dependency can be healthy. It's normal for people to depend on one another. That's how we survive. Codependency, on the other hand, is unhealthy and often toxic. It can lead to depression and resentment. It's that voice in the back of your head telling you that you need this other person, even if you don't want to be needy.
Codependency is usually developed during childhood. The codependent person most likely grew up with a parent who was an addict or was chronically physically or mentally ill. That child learned to put her parent's needs first and to set aside her own needs and wants. The child was (either directly or indirectly) told that her needs and wants came second to those of the caretaker. The child was often made to feel guilty or selfish. She learned to constantly strive to be "good enough" and to put others first by repressing her own thoughts and feelings. These are lessons the child took to adulthood.
As an adult, the codependent person now has low self-esteem and often feels shame. She is too much of a people-pleaser and has trouble being assertive and setting any kind of boundaries. She spent years bottling things up and now has trouble expressing her thoughts, needs, and feelings. She is also more than willing to forfeit her own values and integrity to avoid conflict. Because of her low self-esteem, she is highly reactive and has trouble making decisions on her own. She easily becomes obsessed with people and things, and she has a strong need to be in control.
On the outside, she sometimes appears to be competent and self-reliance, but that's just a mask she wears because she is uncomfortable receiving help or attention from others, and she doesn't think she deserves to be happy. She also has trouble with intimacy, and she fears rejection and abandonment. She constantly worries about being a failure or being judged. Interestingly, although she fears being alone, she's also afraid of being trapped.
The truth is, however, she is trapped. She's trapped in this vicious cycle of wanting acceptance but fearing attention, of needing to be close to people but fearing intimacy, of searching for a sense of self while readily sacrificing herself for others, and of striving for freedom while needing to be in control of everything. She's also trapped in her own head because she can't communicate how she feels or what she needs.
Luckily, she doesn't have to be trapped forever. There is hope. Counseling, alone or with a partner, can help her learn to be assertive, which is the key to getting out of her cycle. Self-care is also super important. Carving out alone time can help her with that. It's also important for her to reconnect with friends and family, and to learn to set limits and boundaries. She needs to learn to be sympathetic and empathetic without jumping in and taking on other people's problems. If she wants to feel important, she should spend her energy volunteering for something she cares about, not obsessing over relationships. And finally, like with any habit that's hard to break, she should learn to recognize patterns so she can change them. The codependent person does not need to be codependent forever.